Not to exaggerate, but I think this year maybe the worst year of my life. I don't feel like I've gone through a lot, but as I lay here in bed I feel like a completely different person than I did a year or so ago.
Deciding to commute to the U was one of the worst decisions I have ever made. I go there for class, maybe stay a little later to get some studying in, but I have to be gone before the last express bus leaves (5:41) or my commute becomes longer and longer as the night goes on. I feel that I am missing out on so so much. And not just like missing a really funny joke, I feel like I'm missing out on important life experiences, getting closer to people I know in class who I feel would make amazing friends, or meeting that special someone. Living on campus last year had its ups and downs, but overall it was awesome. And if this year would have been anything like last year, then I know for a fact I am missing out.
I have started to take some of this frustration out on some people who are very important to me: my family. My dad isn't around anymore (I'll get to that later) but my mom and brother still are, and I really have been giving them shit. I feel bad about it, and I always tell myself I'll be nice next time we have a conversation, but it never happens. I hope this changes when I get out of the house.
So yeah, my dad has moved out and my parents are in the middle stages of getting a divorce. Most of this is based on my dad being lazy and not finding a new job, or at least a second job to help pay the bills. I am really not torn up over the whole thing. In fact, I barely feel anything about the whole thing. The biggest emotion I have is pity for my dad. He's not a bad guy and I love him, but.. I have a hard time saying a fully respect him.
I never really talk much about this, frankly because I'm really embarrassed about it, but my family is poor. Really poor. I'm not too certain on the numbers, but together, my parent's salary was probably near the lower end of average, but over the years my parents have made some very poor financial decisions and have amassed a hefty debt. I think would place rock bottom at last fall, when I caught my mom stealing change out of my change jar to buy gas for the day. When I asked her what she was doing, she told me, and I think hearing the words coming out of her mouth really opened her eyes. Since then she has taken a lot of initiative to turn things around, but my dad has done nothing, so the divorce. Things aren't anywhere near great now. I try to support myself as much as I can so she doesn't have to. I have a feeling things will turn out all right.
I'm not too sure if I am ready for one, but I really want to be in a relationship. I see couples together and I feel instant jealousy, followed by loneliness. I fall in love with people I see in public. Some people I forget about minutes later, others will be in the back of my mind for weeks. It's pathetic and I am tired of this. A relationship is the only way I can see it ending. I just need to meet the right person.
School has gotten really tough, and I still want to pursue this career, but sometimes I think I don't have what it takes. My grades have really been on the decline lately. I really hope it is the stress from commuting that is doing this to me and that being closer to study groups next year will help me.
Work is killing me slowly. I am a very lazy, laid back person at heart. I'm having trouble keeping up with this workload. I want to have a one measly weekend where I have nothing to do.
So yeah, sorry for only posting all my depressing thoughts. I'm not completely depressed. I am truly happy when I am with my friends (high school and college). They are the main reason I have made it this far.
